i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize