i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
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I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
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I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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