I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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