Me. At least after what I've been through.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
