You smell like a Billy Joel song
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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