I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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