break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize