I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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