He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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