my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Randomize
