I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
I feel like ignoring a facebook event is a lot like a pocket-veto. The only difference is instead of opposing legislation, I don't want to go to your sketchy party.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Abby there's no shame in reading porn. It takes more work than watching I suppose
Randomize
