checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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