I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Keanu Reeves Photobombed A Couple’s Wedding Photos As A Perfect Gift
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
29 Married People Share What They Used To Find Cute About Their SO—But Now Find Infuriating
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.