I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
