Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Randomize
