why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
