I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Randomize
