She went from zero to smokin in five shots
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
adding to the list of how to lure in freshman boys: take dogs for a walk, yell at them from across the street, sit on the curb at 3 in the morning sobbing
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
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