i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
