"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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