I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
We left the knife in your bed.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Randomize
