Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
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