I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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