There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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