The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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