My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Randomize
