dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
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I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
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My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
God I need to hump something, right now.
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