Sooo i definitely have a major burn on my chin from kenny's ...stubble from making out for hours while coked up. Pure class.
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Is it penis luge time yet?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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