So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I ended up naked with smirnoff caps on my nipples. Dignity is now a completely foreign concept to me.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Randomize
