last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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