you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Randomize
