If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
Randomize
