Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Randomize
