i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
