The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Randomize
