on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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