Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
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I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
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This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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