i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.