It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Nope. If I'm going to drive an hour to fuck a teacher, it will NOT be missionary thats for damn sure.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
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