you really need to stop walk of shaming home from theme parties.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
