It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
