I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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