What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
im looking at burger kings website. there isnt one anywhere close to where we were last night. i think it was sent from heaven
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
