so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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