i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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