Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
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