Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
