thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
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