Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
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