Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
