Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
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