I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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