Come to wood. Julia is putting pants on. We must stop her.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
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It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
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