Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
where are you?
Hypothermia
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
