I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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