Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
