I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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