my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
